im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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