i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
