I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
