i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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