I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize
