Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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