I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
