also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
