every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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