You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Randomize
