You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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