I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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