i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
