you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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