then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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