does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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