you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
