We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
