one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
