the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Randomize
