wrigley field is MILF paradise
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
