don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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