I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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