I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
