Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
