Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
