you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
