If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
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I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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