I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
