I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
