I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
