so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
