i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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