if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
where are you?
Hypothermia
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
