Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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