Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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