I never want to see another naked old woman again.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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