He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
