I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
