I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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