your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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