new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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