I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
