mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
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