peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
