We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
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