don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My dick has a subreddit
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
