We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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