i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
