last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
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