I think my vagina is haunted
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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