I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
