Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
