I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
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The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
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I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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