My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
