i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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