How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
My penis needs a shock collar
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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