Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
